#30 I Live in a World of Love

Can you see your own self as love sees you? Can you write a blessing for yourself that expresses fierce, protective, tender, love-for-self.

I am loved. I live in a world of love. I know this.

I have a loving husband, a loving twin, loving siblings, a loving daughter, a doting grandson, loving friends and an enormous community of acquaintances who consider me to be part of their lives.

I am grateful for the love I have received as I mourn the death of Ben. During my months of mourning, I have been the recipient of exceptional generosity that has been impossible to reciprocate.There is the box filled with sympathy cards that I couldn't open for months; the "dinner train" of homemade meals and treats delivered for weeks that I barely ate; the thousands of dollars in donations to Ben's "Music Opportunity Fund" that we have begun to grant in support young musicians; the encouraging text messages and emails from people that I have no way to respond to.

The love is there, but so is the enormous loss. I am broken and lost. My grief is so easy to trigger; my face is washed with tears almost every day. I am still processing Ben's suicide, learning to live with this hole in my life, still wondering how this could have happened and where my dear son lies today.

Yes, I am getting stronger in baby steps (going forwards and backwards) but it is a slow healing. I am as kind to myself as I can be. I do not judge my lapses and I try to take quiet time to myself every day.

As I sign off from this "Writing Your Grief" group, I wonder if 30 days of writing about mourning the death of one's beloved is actually helpful, or not. I don't know. I gave it my all, hoping it would bring some peace and meaning to my own grief journey. And, I appreciated all of you, my community of fellow grievers, who did not judge and shared affirmations of comfort.

Thank you for being a part of my world of love.