Seeking Answers

Gary wanted to talk to a psychiatrist to learn more about Ben's mental illness, and what drove him to his suicide; I did not. I knew it would be too difficult for me. So, I asked Gary to have the conversation on his own and to report back to me. (Gary also plans to have a Zoom session with Ben's therapist, Hal, that I also plan to abstain from attending.) But, I am glad that Gary is doing his own version of his grief work. We both have a lot of pain and perplexity to work out.

So, today, Gary talked to Dr. Phil Cohen (recommended by our traumatic grief couples therapist, Jinny) for an hour and a half. Gary asked his questions and Dr. Cohen gave him lots of answers. I think the two most important points that came up were:

1. Bipolar mood disorder is genetically transferred. My Dad was never diagnosed as Bipolar; we just called him "manic-depressive" because his mood swings made him capable of being completely over the top, and also completely non-functional. Like Ben, my Dad was also brilliant. I was hospitalized for depression when I was 29 years old and that is when I learned that my Dad had also been hospitalized for depression when he was 29. So, unfortunately, Ben appears to have inherited this same unhappy curse. The big difference between my Dad and Ben is that Dad lived until he was 90 years old. Ben gave up on this life when he was 23 years old. Dr. Cohen stated that 5-7% of persons afflicted with Bipolar disorder take their lives.

2. In recent years, Gary has always focused on Ben as a "non-starter" who never latched onto one main focus or personal mission. Because of Ben's high intelligence, I always saw Ben as a "searcher," trying many paths with lots of proficiency and potential. Based on Gary's description of Ben's insufficiencies (dropped out of high school, didn't have a girlfriend, didn't have any career goals, didn't go to college...), Dr. Cohen stated that Ben missed the mark on his psycho-social development and that this left him feeling incompetent and isolated which would have fed his depression. (And I saw those deficiencies as completely typical for my own family members who always did things differently...)

It was the combination of Ben's BiPolar disorder and Ben's insufficient psycho-social development that led Ben to a state of extreme depression that, in turn, led to his choosing his death over his life.

Dr. Cohen also told Gary that we "did the best we could." (God, how I hate that line..) He said that Ben was smart enough to hide his issues from us and that he had probably decided to take his life for a long time, not on the day he left our home and never came back. That Ben's suicide was not something that we had any control over, or that we could stop. These, of course, are the anti-blame statements that I hear and read. I agree and i disagree, but my feelings are moot, since there is no bringing Ben back. I do believe that there were options for Ben to live a decent adult life; I just don't believe that we approached his "disability" with all the right tools or information to help him.

Ben was always a loving and kind person. Here he is with my Mom and with Gary's Mom, his two loving grandmothers.