#19 A Good Beginning

Begin your writing with the phrase: I remember... Or, alternately: I want to remember... You might also shift back and forth between: I want to remember and I need to forget...

I remember the day you were born. A month early. I had wanted another girl, and I got a boy. I fell instantly in love with you and your shock of black newborn hair -- your sweetness, your softness. It was just you and me, alone in that birthing room, after everyone finally departed. You suckled, then I held you aloft as I lay in my bed and I talked to you about my dreams for our new life together, who was who, what was what, and how much I loved you. It was a good beginning.

The thing about life is that it is continuous, fluid, like a river. It just keeps flowing along. It is hard to remember the punctuation points that create specific memories. I have been thinking about this because I want to remember the quirks and qualities that made you Ben. I don't want to forget anything.

I tried to sort a few boxes of photos and hundreds of digital images of you into something meaningful that I could hold onto. I got so overwhelmed with the sadness of missing you that I had to give up, for now. So, I decided to try something manageable -- to write one memory of your life each day until I had written "100 Ben Stories." I started on May 7. After 30 days, you had only made it to 5 years old. (I think it's going to be more than 100 stories!)

I'm not sure how I will end my collection of memories, your stories. I don't want to remember the final day of your life that I have pieced together from seven different law enforcement agencies. It was not a good ending.

But, I haven't gotten there yet. When I am done, I will match your stories to your photos and I will make a book, just for me. I will read it whenever I want to remember you. I will weep and I will not forget our life together, who was who, what was what, and how much I loved you.