#23 And, you would play music

How would you love me in this? If I imagine you speaking, imagine you loving me through this, you would tell me...

Ben, what would you tell me if you could see my grief? How would you show your love? I don't think you would use many words.

If you saw me crying at my desk, you would bring me a cup of tea. You would bring me black tea with milk during the day and herb tea at night. You would know how I like my tea and you would give it to me with a smile. You might even make a cup for yourself and hang around for a few minutes to make sure I was feeling better.

If you saw me crying by the front window in the middle of the night, scanning the street to see if your car had come home, you would put your arm around my shoulder and tell me not to worry. That everything would be OK. You would try to bring me comfort with your loving tenderness.

If you saw me weeping in the garden, you would come out and ask if you could help me. If I needed physical help, you would haul up the compost bags or sweep the sidewalk. If I asked, you would bring me a cup of hot tea and sit with me in the courtyard where I would show you the Ben Tree I planted. You would ask me about the glass hummingbird feeder and the hand-cast bell and I would tell which friends had brought them to me as "Ben gifts" in memory of you.

If you were still around, I know that you would want to lighten my load around the house. You would be bugged that the handle on the hot water faucet is broken and you would just fix it. You would notice that the windshield wipers on my old car are worn out and you would buy and install new ones, without asking me.

And, you would play music to try to comfort me. On your piano, on your cello, on your guitar. You would want your music to bring me relief from my grief. I would sit and silently weep, not wanting you to stop. I would want you to play your music forever.

That is how you would speak your love to me through this terrible time of grieving. Thank you, Ben.