The Cello
Updated: Jul 14, 2020
Today, Janice from the Seattle Youth Symphony Orchestra (SYSO) came and picked up Ben's "good" cello, bow & case. Ben had bought the cello when he was 18 with his own savings. It was an expensive and treasured instrument that Ben played a lot at the beginning and much less at the end. Because Sarah hopes that her baby Henry will want to learn to play the cello, we decided to "lend" this cello to the Youth Symphony (where Ben played in both the Junior & Senior Orchestras) for the next ten years. It will come back to Sarah, if her Henry takes up the cello.
I had already arranged for Ben's "cheap" cello to be picked up by the Music Director at Seattle Music Partners a couple of week back. Ben had bought this old, beat-up cello in Santa Fe for $125 when he was living and working in the mountains near Dixon so that he could play with Simone (Adam) Rael, a singer/songwriter/guitarist who was busking up in Taos. They made a cool duo - Adam was self-taught and Ben was a classically-trained musician. They played together on the streets of Taos, at a Taos arts festival and in a Santa Fe art gallery as part of Indian Market 2017. I only wish there was a photo of Ben riding around on his motorcycle with that old cello on his back!
As agreed, I put the good cello in the lower courtyard for Janice's "no-contact pick-up." As I returned to the house, I was confused to hear Gary crying. I ran upstairs to our bedroom. The dam had broken on Gary's pent-up emotions; he was weeping and wailing his heart out. Between tears and short breaths, he said over and over, "Ben, Ben, we are dismantling his life. Oh, Ben, Ben..." The cello had been the trigger and Gary was beside himself expressing his grief at seeing this key part of Ben's life walking out of our house. I was already close to tears and I burst into weeping and whimpering, as well,. Gary and I held each other tightly as we wept. I said I wished for a miracle, for Ben to come back. Gary said, "There is no miracle." More tears, sadness, despair. We had not expressed our deep grief together for six months. It was painful but, at least, we had each other to comfort for those long, sad minutes.
Gary and I had spent months ignoring Ben's stuff choosing to leave his two rooms alone. (I still have not changed the sheets on his bed). Nonetheless, I have singularly dealt with all of the details of Ben's death and his after-death affairs. Most recently, as I began to clean out Ben's workroom, I kept getting struck with painful waves of grief. (Gary had been spared.) Now, today, we were both upended in our Ben memories and our profound loss of our beautiful son.
Here is Ben playing Bach on his good cello for his family and friends on New Year's Eve, December 30, 2018:
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